MeeT My DesPerAte FriEnD, AnDy!

(See that bighorn sheep above his head? That is the closest he has come to a date in recent memory.) Meet my terribly desperate friend, Andy. He lives in Boston and works for one of the largest defense companies in the country as an engineer of some sort. Long, long ago he was the boyfriend of my dear friend, Anh, for about five years when we all lived in Seattle. At the time he was working on his PHd in Physics at University of Washington, a process which he dragged on and on and on in fact! He is seeking assistance from me to help find him a date. Lets just go ahead and dive into the interview because he is extremely upset with me that this post was promised about five-six months ago. As you read, please ask yourself, "Do I know any women anywhere I could set up with Andy?" because he is desperate for a date. Terribly, terribly desperate. He really is. Ok, lets begin:

Me: Whats your best guess at what is wrong with you?
Andy: Whatever do you mean? There isn't anything wrong with me.
Me: Hmmm. I don't think thats in any way, shape, or form accurate.
Andy: Alex, do you think there is something terribly wrong with me?
Me: I do.
Andy: What might that be? Do you want to share this pivotal information with me since it concerns me directly?
Me: I'm concerned that if I answer that here hope will be a terminal condition for you, that you may never ever get a date.
Andy: I'm willing to take that risk. Go ahead, tell me.

(Pause..Note to Reader: Now I am in a real pickle! What do I do? Do I tell him the truth? Maybe not..but I will tell you privately about some of his drawbacks and then we can get to his more positive attributes and selling points later. Much later though because there is a lot to cover on the front end first.)

The worst thing I can say about Andy is that he can be horrendously closed-minded. But then again, can't we all sometimes? But Andy's stubborn bullheadedness gives the illusion at times that his birth head was long ago replaced by ten thousand bowling balls crudely welded together. He is extremely rational and sometimes insensitively blunt though he sees it as just being honest. Some of his ways of thinking are quite outdated.

AND he can be crazy, crazy stubborn. Let me give you an example.

When we lived in Seattle, Andy was cleanshaven. As you can see from the photo above, he now has a beard. When it occurred to me that his ultimate soulmate might be repulsed or allergic to beards and that perhaps he should shave for an updated, cleanshaven photo, he refused. Heres a snippet of that conversation from earlier today:

Me: Ok, so you won't shave off your whole beard. How about half of it then?
Andy: Half of my face?
Me: No, half of your beard, straight down the middle, so people can cover up the other side of the screen with their hand and get a better idea. This way you won't be prematurely cutting off either pro-beard or anti-beard prospects. You don't want to be cutting off any potential options Andy because there will likely be extremely few given your personality. What do you think?
Andy: I'm not cutting off half my beard.
Me: Why???
Andy: Because I will look ridiculous.
Me: But how can you possibly know this? You've never done it.
Andy: And nobody else has either. Thats my point.
Me: What? How can you say that? What about that quote that the first time someone does something new everyone thinks hes an idiot but then it turns out to be a success and everyone thinks hes a genius?
Andy: Noone is going to think I am a genius for shaving off half of my beard Alex.
Me: Its exactly that attitude Andy that is likely going to cost you a single date.

Ok, now here are some Q & A's with Andy so you can get to know him a bit better in his own freaky words. I started out by asking him about a plant he neglects in his apartment. From time to time he has spoken of the plant which he is addicted to pushing to the brink of death and then reviving it with a scoop of water, over and over and over again.

Alex: Are you capable of treating a potential girlfriend better than
you treat the plant in your kitchen?

Andy: Well, my relationship with the so-called
"Lazarus Plant" really owes its character to a confluence
of three separate factors: 1.) my hatred of washing dishes,
2.) forgetfulness of, and procrastination toward, chores
that I do not enjoy, and 3.) an occasional urge to push
boundaries and test limits.

The way the cycle with the Lazarus Plant used to work,
back in the days when it was flourishing and in relatively
good health (I seem to have stressed it out just a bit
too much the last couple of times, so I have been trying
rather desperately to nurse it back to health in recent
weeks and months) was that I would neglect to do my dishes
for a period of time, and, since the plant lives right next
to the kitchen sink, it meant that by putting off doing the
dishes, I would pretty much inevitably forget to take care of
the plant for a while also. After a while I would notice the
poor thing looking really shriveled and wilted, and I
would water it, and, like magic, within a day it would
spring back to life, looking all healthy and turgid
and green again. Eventually I started to become so
impressed with this quiet little vegetably drama that
would play out next to my sink periodically that after
a while I started wondering how far I could push
things. How close could I let the plant get, I
wondered, to seemingly inevitable death, before leaping
in to rescue it with a pint of life-saving water and thereby
bringing the little bugger back to life again? And thus the
Lazarus plant was born. We continued on together in this
fashion for many, many more months, until at some point,
out of sheer forgetfulness or preoccupation with more
pressing daily matters, I just pushed it too far, and
about 90% of Lazarus's leaves turned yellow, shriveled
up, and fell off (currently he is struggling along
with only two rather forlorn looking leaves, and I
am really worried that this time he truly is not
going to make it, though for the time being still
we soldier bravely on.

So, why will I treat a girlfriend better than my plant? Well,
there are at least three reasons. First, I can pretty much
guarantee that no matter who I am dating, even if she turns out
to be a horrible, ugly, petty, nagging, kvetching hose-beast,
I will automatically enjoy spending time with her more than
I enjoy doing dishes. The second reason is that girlfriends
in general are much better at commanding my attention than
plants are. They have all sorts of resourceful and creative
methods at their disposal: low-cut blouses, phone messages,
initiating conversations with me in person, tears, drama,
throwing dishes, sneaking up behind me and tickling the back
of my neck, greeting me at the front door wearing nothing
but an apron and a smile, etc. What can a plant do? If
it needs love, all it can do is sit around silently and look
forlorn. It's not very eye-catching, is it! Finally, the
third and last anticipated plant/girlfriend difference is that
I have learned to be much gentler in pushing boundaries with
people. Although I would not claim for a moment that I will
never present any challenges to a potential girlfriend (and who
would even want that anyway, it would be completely boring,
wouldn't it?), I can at least guarantee that the boundaries
I will push will never involve, in any way, testing how close
I can come to killing her, only to pull her back from the
brink just in the nick of time. With people, I tend to
push boundaries more by doing things like debating
slightly controversial ideas with them, or by getting them to
taste test new cuisines and the like. That is to say, low-stakes
kind of stuff, with no risk to life or limb involved.
Potentially stuff that could even expand her horizons, if
she came to it with an open mind.

Question: The Grim Reaper has come for you on his moped as you
are leaving for work. He (or she!) tells you that you
can bring three things with you into the afterlife.
What are you going to bring? (Food and drink not
necessary.)

Andy: 1.) One copy of Dante Alighieri's "Divine Comedy" (translated
into English, of course) for use as a guide book, since the
Lonely Planet has not to my knowledge come out with a
volume to cover that territory (yet).

2.) A cell phone, so I can keep in touch with my friends
and relatives. It just seems like it would be so much less
trouble and expense for them than hiring a medium and
calling a seance every time they wanted to talk to me.

3.) An infinitely large supply of ice, as sort of a hedge,
in case I am sent to hell. I know it seems like I might
be wasting a wish here, because most likely I haven't been
bad enough to get sent to hell in the first place, but on
the other hand, I figure that if I do get into heaven,
my material needs are going to be pretty well taken
care of for all eternity anyway, and purgatory,
well...doubtless it'll be a little more spartan than heaven,
but I'm fairly resourceful, so I'll probably be able to get
along and make do with whatever they have available for me
there also, and thus, hell is really the only place where I'd
have to concern myself about the possibility of arriving
seriously under-prepared. So I figure that most likely
I'll never even use the ice, but gosh, if does turn out
that I need it in the end, it's going to be really good to
have.

Question: Theres been a lot of speculation that you use
to
abuse your ex-girlfriend's dear friend with brutal assaults of wet
paper
napkins. Some say you once even showed up uninvited at her front door and that when she opened her front door, kaboom! This tiny delicate flower we call Alexandra fell to the ground, concussion and all. Is this accurate? Shes so wonderful. How
could you do something like this?

Andy: It is in fact 100 percent dead on accurate. And
yes,
I agree, the friend who was involved in the wet
paper
napkin hurling incidents is indeed quite wonderful,
albeit slightly immature from time to time. So how
could
I do it? Simple: she started it. I had no choice
but
to respond. When a person launches an entire volley
of wet paper napkins at another person, completely
without provocation in any way, the person who is
under attack cannot allow such a direct challenge
to go unanswered. To do so would quickly invite
all sorts of more serious infringements, even
open disrespect. A return volley was the only
viable
option. Well, O.K., I suppose we could have gotten
into a wrestling match over it, which I'm sure I
would have enjoyed immensely, but under the
circumstances,
it wouldn't have been right; in the first place, we
were in a restaurant, and in the second, I think the
girlfriend would have gotten a bit jealous.

Question: What are the three qualities you are
most
looking for in a potential mate? What are the
three
qualities you can't live with?

Andy: Number one, I want a woman who knows how to disagree
productively, meaning to me that she knows how and
when to de-escalate potential fights before they
actually reach "full-blown" status, and also we can
argue about things fairly, without it getting petty,
personal, or out of hand. Second, (and your readers
are going to hate me for sounding sexist, but I
can't help myself because it really is so true) I
want a woman who likes to cook and is good at it.
And third, I want a woman with a bodacious ghetto
booty.

Things I absolutely cannot live with: an overly
pessimistic or negative attitude (although
ironically,
my own midwestern brand of humor is often tinged
with a morose, gallows streak that occasionally
other people find difficult to relate to), excessive
drama, and flakiness.


Question: So Andy, I've known you for many years and under my
close tutelage you've made tremendous progress. What
should a prospective date know about you right off the
bat before they go on any date with you?

Andy: Well, if it's a breakfast date, or a picnic, they
should be aware that I hate melons. All melons.
Seriously. (Well, O.K., technically, I make an
exception for the double-entendre variety, of course.
Naturally, I enjoy those; who doesn't? But all of the
rest, the real melons, so to speak, like honeydew,
cantaloupe, or watermelon, I can't stand 'em!) If I go
out with a woman, one thing she should definitely know
right from the outset is that she should not even consider
trying to serve me any melon during the course of the date.
I used to hate how airlines always used to serve melon
salad as part of their breakfast offering. Now of course
they don't serve anything anymore, so nowadays it's not
an issue.

Other than that, though, I'm not a picky eater, so
any place a woman would like to take me out to dine,
I'm sure it'll be fine.

And that concludes the end of the interview and its probably a good idea to end on a positive note, and thats only possible if Andy is now sealed off from speaking on his behalf! Despite my intense reservations, I want to give anyone who might be interested in Andy my highest endorsement! Even his ex-girlfriend said the worst she could say about Andy is that he spends way too much time in the bathroom in the mornings. I can always depend on our phone conversations to make me laugh. and hes a great friend. When I was living in Bulgaria, he sent me a care package and when a group of us traveled through Canada together, he was very enjoyable and fun. Hes been a dear, dependable friend of mine for a decade so if you live near Boston or are willing to move there or just want to fly in and go on a date with Andy, you can leave him a comment right here. He will likely be checking this post every single minute so at the very least, do leave him a compliment here (even if you have to make it up!) just kidding Andy as you know I think the world of you! (but a very small, tiny world)